Can I love others if I am at war with myself? Can I treat you with kindness and compassion if I don't even do that to myself?
Can I create a life of my dreams if I don't even feel worthy? Magic can happen to others, but not to me.
Then, one day, if "I am lucky" enough, bad things will happen to me and knock me down so that I can finally start the discovery of what it means to love myself.
I will call them impossible situations at first.
Believing that the world is happening to me, not for me, I will say, "It's your fault", "It's my genes", "It's my mother", "It's my father".
Without realising that "I" am coming with me, I will take myself to places I have never been.
I will pray to the gods that I have just met.
I will hold the hands of those who call themselves healers.
Like a bandage for my bleeding heart, I will buy me nice things.
I will say "Help me", "Make me happy", "Love me" to everybody I know, to every meal I eat, to every place I visit, to everything but me.
I will try to put a lid on my freedom by insisting that I am a "victim".
Then, one day, depending on "how right I think I am", I will get so tired that I will finally ask "The Question" - "Could it possibly be me?"
My world is my mirror reflecting myself back to me; I will look around only to see how much I don't like "me".
I will hear the people, places, things - my mirrors that I blamed all along, telling me that I am not worthy, I am unlovable.
But this time, I won't blame them. How can I? I don't even like me. How can they?
Time to go nowhere but within.
Time to sit with nobody but myself.
Time to feel every emotion I run away.
Time to set myself on fire.
All alone in my room, I wrap myself into a blanket, and I feel.
I let myself feel.
I let myself hear the voice of "my body".
My body = The Servant became the master; I hear every word; I hear how I talk to myself.
It is horrifying.
It's painful.
I sense physical pain all around my body. Emotions stuck in my temple.
My body = The Servant, afraid of what I am hearing says "Give up, it's too painful, start tomorrow".
As I feel my way into freedom, I am not giving up. I am staying right here.
I let myself feel.
I let myself hear how I talk to myself.
and I finally see that "it's me".
It's me who has to love "me". Nobody else.
Little glimpses of love I feel for myself under my warm blanket, I kiss my hands, and I say "I am sorry".
I am sorry that this is how I have been talking to you. I am sorry that I looked for love, for wholeness in everything and everybody but not me.
From now on, like the guardian at the gate, I am going to watch me. I am not going to let a single thought slip through my awareness that isn't kind to me, that isn't loving to me.
It will be difficult.
My environment will test me. How much do you want to change? How much do you want to love you?
I will see anger, I will see resentment.
What will I do?
I will forgive you.
I will have compassion for you.
I will save my energy for nothing but love to create the life of my dreams.
You will see me change, and this will change you. Because love is contagious, my love, my compassion will change you.
Like a ripple effect, I will see my mirror, my world change.
I will spread my disease = my love to you.
Do you want to change the world?
Love "you". Be kind to "you" and see the world change all around you.
See the smile on people's faces whom you used to see anger, hatred, resentment. See how those faces now have the biggest smile.
Spread your disease, spread love all around you. You are the source of it all, beautiful soul.
Join me in changing the world with nothing but "love", "loving yourself first". So that you can love everybody else...
with all my love,
Ezgi