Up in the sky before we landed on Earth, I said, "Mom, I have a dream. This lifetime, I want to help humans remember the healer within."

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She had smiled. "well, to do that," she said, "you must first learn how to heal."

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"I am going to be a nurse, a midwife". She said. "You need training. You need to understand that on Earth, they believe the healer is outside of them—medicine, they call it—a hush over symptoms of the body crying out to be heard."

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Dad said, "I will be the teacher to nurses; she needs a teacher to ask questions.

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"Let's not have a religion", dad added. "In fact, let us be born in the middle of a conflict, so I have enough reasons to become an extreme atheist and influence you to hold tight in the 3D world".

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My sister said, "Hold on; you need to know about nature. I will be a biologist. I will inspire you to love animals, plants, everything green. I will cook the rainbow and blow your mind. I will bring the first pet. I will make you a crazy cat lady. Watch me. You will love it!"

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Now, you might say, "Ezgi, did they all volunteer for you?".

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Well, they have their own stories, all pretty strong personalities, in fact. My sister always jokes, "Dad, we need our government, our own brand."

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But no one wants to write and let the world listen. What can I do?

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As the one with the pen now, I'm writing this for all of us, creating our own brand. I am letting my soul show the world the life I lived, who I became and who I am becoming...

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I have always trusted my dad. He is my rock. He would do it. He would find a way. He would save Mom. I knew that he would.

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And he did! Mom came back from the dead; I don't remember how many times.

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In the beginning, at one point, he was so hopeless and said, "I think we are losing her; I don't know what to do. You need to prepare yourself". I remember closing my ears and shouting "no, no, no" at him. "I don't want to hear it. No, no, no."

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For the first time in my life, seeing my rock feeling hopeless was the scariest thing ever. If he is feeling hopeless, I thought, then it is really over. I have never felt that scared in my life up until this point.  

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Seeing me scream like that gave him the power that he needed.

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I was 19 years old. Hospital corridors became my classroom. The love that I felt for my mom turned me into a nurse.

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My dad was a teacher to nurses. I had my teacher next to me to learn everything that I needed. In fact, I was so extreme that I did not let doctors or nurses approach her to do anything without my permission.

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What if they hurt her?

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I taught myself everything I needed to know to care for her. When doctors did not have answers, I found my own solutions. We all did—3 of us.

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Saving her was the mission in this war, and none of us was going to surrender easily.

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The cancer spread to her brain, and she slowly lost all her abilities. Not a muscle of her own was moving. No speech.

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How does one learn empathy?

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I can't hear her. Is she in pain? Where is the pain?

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This was my initiation to learn to sense another human. You don't need to speak to me. I know what you are thinking. I know what you are feeling.

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One blink was a yes. I was finding where the pain was and what she needed.

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In fact, I became so sensitive to energy that airports and planes now feel like a powerhouse to me.

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Ask any physician. A human who does not move is prone to get bed sores.

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She never had any. In fact, her skin was so flawless no one understood how.

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Ask any physician. A human who is fed through a feeding tube can not eat normal food.

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She had the best diet a human could ever eat. We threw away the medicated food that they prescribed and cooked three meals a day—perfectly calculated calories, vitamins, and minerals. We turned meals into liquid, feeding through a feeding tube. Engineer by training, I found the best machines.

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Ask any physician. A human who does not move a muscle melts in that bed fast.

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Not in a bedroom where no one could see her but in the centre of the house, she lay in her bed like a beautiful butterfly; dad became her legs, her arms moving them in such a symphony every single day while dervish singing in the background for 19 years.

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It was a meditation, a ceremony. The joy we felt when her breath sighed relief, a single soft exhale as the wind —was worth more than all the gold on this Earth.

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Three of us were making the impossible possible, and yet she was still melting.

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The medical world has already left us hopeless.

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"Take her home; there is nothing we can do. Why are you even trying? She is already dead. "

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Like a broken record, I was sick of hearing these words. Surely they must have never loved anybody, I was thinking.

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I trusted medicine. I grew up in medicine. I thought they had the answers.

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But no.

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Medicine was making things worse. Movement, nutrition, and holistic modalities were saving her each time.

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With nothing but fierce devotion, the strength of love, miracle made of will, the 3 of us were so brave and unstoppable to try every method on her.

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But I didn't know what I knew now.

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No religion, no spirituality were holding us back from possibilities.

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I was so sad and tired. I went back and forth between Turkey and London every month for my duty as Mom's soldier. The year 2014, in my bed, watching the ceiling, thinking, what if I can get ill?

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I have scoliosis.

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osis...

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losis...

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I was playing with names.

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I was imagining getting sick.

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I was too scared to take my own life, but I wanted an illness to the job. I was remembering my future.

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One month later, I woke up with no sensation on the left side of my face and scalp. It quickly spread to all of the left side of my body.

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Left arm, left leg, left side of my torso.

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The left of me did not exist.

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My eyes started spinning like crazy, and I was vomiting everything I was eating. I lost my balance. I wasn't able to walk on my own anymore. My eyes weren't seeing properly.

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I got what I dreamed of—an illness. Not the kind that could take my life, though. My plan wasn't working. I didn't ask for spiritual awakening. I wanted to die.

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I was admitted to Kingston Hospital. But I had an army waiting in Turkey-my family.

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"Come home", they said.

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In a wheelchair, all alone, I took the plane and landed in a hospital bed.

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"MS", they said. "You have MS".

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The pain was too much for my brain to handle. MS is an auto-immune disease. My body was attacking my brain, killing it silently. That is what MS does, and that is exactly what I was creating in my bed a month ago.

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They started giving me an intense steroid treatment.

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"Earth healing boutique".

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I calmed down.

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I said, "A shop, an online healing shop."

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"Earth healing boutique."

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"I have been helping mom heal and now it's me who needs to heal.", I said.

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"Earth healing boutique".

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I started pinning ideas for my new Pinterest board called "Earth healing boutique".

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I still have the board.

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Either I was remembering my future, or steroids were making me high :).

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"Hope" landed in my body.

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It was the first time no one had asked anything of me. In fact, they were taking care of me.

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None needed me.

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I was free.

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I was free to dream.

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"Ezgi, weren't you sad or panicked that you are ill now?"

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No.

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I was calming down.

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"Hope" landed in my body.

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I came home. Mom was in her bed, and I was on the sofa; together, we watched cooking shows.

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I stopped talking altogether for a month.

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"Here, this is your medicine," the nurse said.

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"You are going to inject this medicine into your body every single day for the rest of your life."

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"Will this heal me?" I asked.

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"No. There is no cure for MS." she said.

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"Then, why am I injecting this into me?."

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"Ms comes as attacks." She said.

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"Your immune system is attacking your brain. This injection will suppress your immune system. We will do all we can to slow the clock of you living with a wheelchair".

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I came back to London with an ice bag full of injections.

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That year, I started working as a web designer in an agency.

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"Earth healing boutique."

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An online shop.

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Universe knew that I needed training. I started designing beautiful websites for other businesses. My music, in my ears, my passionate soul with her intense emotions loved every pixel. They were alive. They were breathing.

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In fact, I was so extreme that I made my two hands carpal tunnel syndrome :) as I drew every pixel with my Wacom pen.

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Again, I didn't know what I know now. So, I had gone through surgeries for both hands.

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“Ezgi, child of the cosmos, for the love of Earth, calm down, centre yourself.”

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I can hear you :).

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But pixels were keeping me awake. Injections were making my body so weak by the day. I was coming home from work, taking my shoes off and going to bed with no food.

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I was waking up the next day, putting my shoes back on, and going to work.

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Anyone who walks with MS knows the weight of fatigue—not just tiredness, but a deep, bone-soaked stillness that no amount of sleep can touch.

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I added two other names to my collection of illnesses—Hashimoto and Depression.

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Prozac, Lexapro, Cymbalta, nothing was making my depression better.

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"Pain body".

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I heard Echart Tolle using the word "Pain body".

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"Yes, that is what I have". I said.

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Back then, I didn't know about the Energy centres of the body. But my third energy centre = third chakra was always in pain.

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Control, power, strong will to overcome any challenge. That's what the third centre does. That is what I have been doing as my mom's soldier. I had constant pain and sadness stuck in my stomach area.

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I was so fed up feeling sad and tired.

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Suppressing my immune system never made any sense. Who guarantees I don't get cancer next? Medicine did not have the answers for my mom. I had to find another solution.

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YouTube brought my teacher to me as I was working on pixels one day.

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Dr. Joe Dispenza. My gratitude for this human being is beyond words.

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He was explaining everything scientifically. He seemed solid. But healing myself with no medicine? Just by quieting my mind?

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How?

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I kept listening to him.

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How he healed his spine over and over again.

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And then I bought the book "You Are the Placebo". It came with a meditation.

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My fearless, passionate soul said, "I am extremely sceptical, analytical, scientific, and not one to surrender easily to information to anything. There is only one way I can believe that I can heal myself with meditation; I will stop my medications and wait for an MS attack to come and find me, and then I will heal that."

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Risks? I love them. Challenge accepted! Without telling anybody, I stopped everything and started living my life.

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Three months later, I woke up with no sensation on my toes. It quickly went up to my belly. I was not feeling my legs anymore. I was able to walk with a bit of spasticity.

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Fear.

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I understood what "fear" actually felt like at that moment.

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But I pictured myself back in that same hospital, my classroom, in that bright, tiny cold room of the neurologist telling me, almost bragging, "I told you so. How can you stop your medicine?."

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Anger, frustration, every no I have ever heard from medicine, layer upon layer of silent storms, stacked like unsent letters in my chest, rushed into my brain like wildfire—"I will heal me, or I would have to walk to the bathroom crawling for the rest of my life if I had to. I am never going back to that hospital again.", I said.

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I was beyond fed up.

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With fear on one side and the fire of my passionate soul on the other, I started meditating.

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This wasn’t some quiet, lotus-pose meditation. I had no idea how to “meditate”—but I was the Shaman. The fire in my soul said so. I was burning—not with fear, but with fierce devotion. I was going to heal myself. This was it. No backup plan. No second chance. Only this moment, and the fire I carried within. On the first day, I felt my toes again.

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"It's working.", I screamed.

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I kept going. In one week, I brought my legs back to life.

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"What did you feel at that moment, Ezgi?"

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"If I did this. What can I not do?", I said to myself.

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I wasn't thinking, "MS is gone, I am not sick anymore".  

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"What can I not do?"